|
From the start, I can remember my older sister and I spending many days mimicking whatever my grandmother did. Her appearance was one of the most important things in her life, to which end she spent many hours a day pursuing. I remember eating breakfast with my grandmother. My sister and I eating spoonfuls of chocolate cocoa fluffs while my grandmother would eat a small bowl of cottage cheese. We would have a couple of spoonfuls of her diet food while making faces just so we could feel part of the game. After breakfast, we would all traipse down to the basement to exercise. While staring at gray walls, we would take turns riding the stationary bike, jumping on the trampoline, or going on the shaking machine which was supposed to shake you so vigorously that all your fat would fall off. When we were finished exercising, it was time for the scale weigh-in to find out if we had lost any weight. For my sister and I, this all was like a fun game, like being at an amusement park. It was the way we bonded with our grandmother. This bond taught me an important lesson about my body. If my grandmother needed hours of work a day to look acceptable, then what type of body had I inherited. These messages seeped into my feelings of self worth and were to play themselves out in future years.
I have several memories of what I learned from my mother at this point in my life. She was very encouraging of my sister and I. She told us we were beautiful people and that we could achieve anything we chose to do with our lives. While my mother said this to us, she worked at an office job that she hated despite the fact that she really wanted to be an artist. This had been a dream of hers since she was young which she had been too scared to follow. Timidly she went through life de-valuing her abilities. " I am not talented enough. Oh, your mother messed up again. Who me? I am no good to any one." This way of dealing with one's self in such a self deprecating, humorous manner was taught to her by her mother and was now being passed on to me. You should be humble and never admit to yourself or others that you think you feel good about yourself. "Pride comes before a fall" my Grandmother would say
As I began to read and write, the circle of influences in my life increased. I began to see images of women on television and in fashion magazines. I was becoming indoctrinated into the idea that a woman had to look a certain way to be happy and successful. This was causing me to lose the wonderful perspective I had as a young child of just seeing people as people; of having the ability to see someone as beautiful and strong not by judging their appearance but through an intuitive sense of who they were. I can remember my babysitter, Mrs. Lecky. I thought she was an incredibly beautiful woman because she had a soft face, a soothing voice and a huge cozy lap. I am glad I was too young to judge her appearance on anything else because this memory of this large beautiful woman will never be tarnished by what I eventually learned a woman is supposed to look like.
But have no fear; I would not stay this accepting for long for I was learning quickly through example. I remember being out with my grandmother and running into one of her friends. After a very friendly exchange we went on our way. My grandmother then leaned into me and said "Wow Laurie is really letting herself go." I thought to myself where did she go? She looks like she is still here." So I asked my grandmother to explain what the comment meant. She said, "Oh Laurie doesn't work out and she is getting fat and her hair, she should do something with it. She is letting herself look her age." I was still perplexed because I thought Laurie just looked like Laurie and I couldn't see anything wrong with that.
Through many experiences like this and from seeing the example of what a perfect woman should look like from watching television, I to began to be an expert on making critical judgments about other people's appearances. Unfortunately, I also became an expert on judging myself as well.
When I was ten years old, I auditioned for the National Ballet School and was accepted into their full time program. I began a long eight years of rigid ballet training. Having already learned to be judgmental about appearances, I slipped quite easily into the ideas of what a ballet dancer's body should look like: Very Thin with no curves.
About half way through my first year at the National Ballet School, I remember a switch that occurred in my way of viewing food. I was sitting at the family table heaping my plate full of spaghetti. I was excited by the thought of filling my stomach. I ate so naturally back then. When I was hungry I ate and when I was not hungry I didn't eat. Food was just food. It was nourishing and tasty. But that night as I lifted the first spoonful to my mouth, a spark of realization went off in my mind. I had made the connection between food and all the comments I had heard about people's bodies. This realization was spurred on by an incident that had happened at school that day. Some of the girls in my class had teased me by calling me fat. Now suddenly this forkful of food in front of me took on a dark sinister meaning. It held the answer to success or failure. It was the test between will power and weakness. It is not that I started dieting that very day. I had this thought for a brief moment and then ate all my spaghetti, like usual, but the seeds of dieting were now planted.
In my twelfth year, my sister came home from school one evening announcing that she was going on a diet and that she had been taught how by a nutritionist that had visited her school. Her entire class had been given a thorough lesson on how many calories made up a pound, what foods would make you fat and which ones would make you thin. All the students had been sent home with calorie counting books, height and weight charts and predetermined diet plans. My sister and I spent that evening browsing through the calorie counter book memorizing numbers. We would sigh with disappointment when we discovered that a favorite food was fattening and was not to be included in her diet. We organized and schemed working out her diet plan so it would have the correct amount of calories. I didn't understand why she needed to lose weight. Up until that moment I thought she looked just perfect. But if dieting was what was expected of her then I presumed she had to do it.
Being an older sister, I looked up to her and emulated everything she did. Once again it was watch and learn. My Grandmother's body needed dieting, my sister's body needed dieting and when I was I made the decision that my body needed a diet.
From the moment I was born, to the age of fourteen, I had gone from a feeling of total acceptance and love for myself to a feeling that there was something deeply inadequate about my appearance. I don't blame my family they were just passing on what had been taught to them. I know that they could not protect me from the influences of the media and the even stronger influence of the ballet school. I sometimes daydream about what it would have been like to have had a female role model who would have been strong enough not to care what others thought. Someone who thought they were beautiful because of a feeling of beauty they got from inside themselves. Someone who could have taught me to have this strength in my own life. But unfortunately I did not. So at the age of fourteen, I embarked on the goal of losing weight. I was in cohorts with two of my friends. We read books on dieting, nutrition and even self-help books on eating disorders to gather ammunition for our goal. I learned all the techniques and ways of cheating. My life became fixated on my weight. My life was ruled by my scale. I was using my weight loss to build up my self-esteem and to get attention. It worked for brief moments but then everything would come tumbling down afterwards and I would feel worse than before.
As a result of my weight preoccupation, I became very sick for many years. I would switch from being underweight to average, all the while suffering greatly physically and emotionally. Being in the dance world fuelled my downward spiral. I was constantly criticized for not having the svelte figure a ballet dancer is supposed to have. My mentors would tell me "If you just lost five more pounds you could be a huge success. Why don't you go on an orange juice diet? If you sacrifice enough you too can be thin and successful." Never did I stop to think that I did not have to believe or follow their advice and critique. I took their words as if they were god-given truths. Never did I think that maybe I was just fine the way my body naturally wanted to be. Instead, I pursued the agenda my supporters had set out for me.
My career went forwards. I attained my goal of joining the National Ballet Company, something that I had dreamed of doing since I was ten. I was a success, yet why did I feel so inadequate? I had spent all my energy on losing weight so that I had none left to enjoy my achievements. I felt worthless. My moods would go up and down constantly. If my director told me I looked thin I felt glorious, then half an hour later when I would lose my will power. I would eat a chocolate bar and I would tumble down into a dark mood. I would look in the mirror every day before work and see a shell of a person, physically sick and emotionally drained from trying to fill someone else's expectations. It was like looking at death. I knew I had to make a change and that somehow I had to find the strength inside myself to achieve this.
My first small step was a trip to the bookstore where I purchased a book about a woman who had been through struggles similar to my own. Her moving story offered me comfort. It made me feel I was not alone. Understanding that others were struggling through similar problems as myself made me more forgiving of my own situation.
At this time, I also began to work as a choreographer. This gave me something other than my weight to base my self-esteem on. I was not choreographing to fulfill some one else's agenda but instead to express my own experiences. This creative experience has been immensely rewarding for me.
Slowly over time I began to be more honest with myself and those around me about the fact that I had an eating disorder. With this newfound truthfulness, it became easier to ask for help. I became friends with many women who shared similar experiences. This gave me comfort and hope for the future. I found an eating disorder counselor who helped reinforce the things I was beginning to learn. She helped me find kindness and forgiveness towards myself. My harsh army-like way of dealing with issues began to be replaced by a more accepting manner. She helped guide me to a more honest life. Truthfulness replaced the many lies I used to tell to pretend that everything was okay. This enabled me to make deeper connections with those around me. It gave me the opportunity to gain from others wisdom and to offer compassion and help to others who suffer.
As I continued to get better, I could no longer maintain the weight expected of me by the National Ballet Company and after 4 years of working there I was fired. This could have been a devastating experience but with my developing sense and appreciation of who I am and with my now healthy body, I left feeling triumphant. I had fought against the odds and won. I had almost sold myself in exchange for the chance at a perfect body but I had learned that this is an empty place that leads to an empty life. I now have myself back and continue to make the journey to self-acceptance.
Some days are harder than others. It is difficult to fight off the barrage of negative comments I get in the dance world. Recently, I performed an evening of ballets with Ballet Jörgen Canada, the dance company I now work for. I danced well that night. I had worked hard and put my heart into what I was doing. After the show a family friend came up to me and said, "my goodness you are so much larger than the other dancers." My heart skipped a beat and than sank after all my progress, a remark like that still affected me. But her words slipped off of me quickly. In the past, this would have sent me into a dizzy tailspin of depression and dieting. Instead, I can now laugh at it. I realize that I can't please everyone. There will always be someone who thinks I am too large and I could probably find someone who thinks I am too small. So I am going to pick option # 3 and go through life thinking that I am just the right size. That is what it comes down to. How I feel about myself is my choice and no one else's.
What have I learned through my journey? I have learned that beauty is all a matter of perspective. In some cultures like the dance world, I would be considered overweight, yet if I were to work in a field were voluptuous woman were considered attractive, I would probably be told to gain weight. If one took a fashion model from today back through time to pose for Leonardo Da Vinci or Peter Paul Rubens, they would have been thrown out of the studio because they wouldn't have enough curves. Since beauty is such a fickle constantly changing ideal, why should I strive for it? Instead I would like to define my own feeling of beauty from an intuitive place inside my self. A beautiful body is one that is nourished and healthy, a body that rests at a weight that is natural for it. We all inherit different body shapes and we must learn to find beauty in honoring this inheritance.
I have decided I won't waste my life trying to achieve a perfect appearance. Can you imagine if all the women now spending their time and energy trying to lose weight, instead focused on other goals such as achievement at work, family and positive social change. I want to take my power and energy and fuse it to meaningful areas of my life.
I have also learned through personal experience that weight loss diets don't work. My body has a shape it naturally wants to fill. This is called my set point weight. This is the weight my body will naturally gravitate to. I have realized that this set point is different for everyone and that we are all meant to be different shapes and sizes. This is not a very popular theory because it would put the very lucrative diet industry out of business.
Food is just food, no more, no less. It is meant for nourishment and enjoyment. My body needs good fuel to properly run so it can be a strong vessel for what I choose to do in life. I try to respect my body, it is the only one I have. I am learning to feed it when it is hungry and honor its choice when it is not hungry. My goal is health, not weight loss. This has been a hard creed to learn and follow. At times, I still sink back into my dieting mind-set but I continue to fight against it every day.
I fight against it by being kind and forgiving towards myself, by learning to build up a positive dialogue about my body. I say and think kind and caring thoughts to combat the negative ones that are still a part of my thought process. I don't want to go through life devaluing myself. This steals my energy and the energy of those around me. I am slowly lessening the impact of inner criticisms and replacing it with acceptance.
Beauty is a personal matter that comes from inside ourselves. It is not a judgment or something we need to strive to attain. It is something that comes from acceptance and love for who we are. Beauty is something we are born with.
With the desire to promote healthy body image Kathleen Rea offers affordable speeches and open format discussions on topics such as eating disorder prevention, body image and dancer's health.
Please contact to inquire about speech bookings
|
